& a m p e r s a n d

Stopping trains.

No I’m not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but…
I just can’t sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train

Don’t know how else to say it,
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t but honestly
won’t someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
to find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “Help me understand”
He said “Turn 68,
you’ll renegotiate”

“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
Don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train”

Once in a while, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
‘til you cry when you’re driving away in the dark.

Singing: Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can’t take this speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see

I’ll never stop this train

Are you familiar with the lyrics above?

The song is called Stop This Train, by the one and only John C. Mayer. The rhythmic, clacking sounds of the guitar and John’s soothing voice always make me shed a tear every time I listen to the song. And hell yeah, this song speaks what exactly in my mind right now. It hits home.

Fifteen minutes from now the clock will strike twelve times. The 4th of January. My eighteenth birthday.

Right now, I’m having my “once in a while, when it’s good” moment. Every single thing in my life right now, I can say, is perfect. My parents and brother are still here. I am safe and sound, I can meet all of my friends easily and it’s so hard to even miss them. I already got accepted in one of my dream university, and last year, some of my big dreams came true. I just simply can’t ask for more, except for one thing:

Can I stop the train?

—-

This year is going to be a big year for me. I’ll be graduated from my high school, my brother’s going to move to Jakarta for his new job, and sooner or later, if God wills, I will move to Singapore to pursue my higher education. It’s all about moving on from one phase of life to another, and getting ready for any kind of surprises waiting in the new life. Our perpetual movement is what defines us as humans. We grow older. We change things. We say hello and goodbye. C’est la vie!

Long ago, when I was sad, I wrote a single facebook note about the Solomon ring. The ring is a simple, plain ring, but it has some engravings that said: “This too shall pass.” Back then, I want to tell myself that the bad moment would eventually pass. The writing worked on me like magic, and I actually passed the bad moments without a single tear.

But now, the situation’s different. When your life is so perfect, the only thing that you can wish is to stop the time. I know that it’s greedy, but we’re all humans. We are craving for more and more happiness, while we know that nothing lasts forever. Bad days will eventually come and all you have to do is to face it with courage.

I am scared of getting older, because I know that I’m only good at being young and dumb. I’m afraid to live far away from the comfort of my parents, thinking about them every single day and night. I’m afraid if one day, that moment will come, when they have to leave me forever, alone. Fighting life out on my own.

I want to stay seventeen forever.

I want to stop the train!

No matter how hard I wish for it, this train that I’m boarding in is not Singapore’s MRT. This train has its name: life. It’s a one way ride, without an emergency stop button.

I have to step out of my comfort zone. Experience life. Seize each and every second of my life. Try to be mature, one step at a time. I don’t want to burden myself with more unrealistic goals and resolutions that will sound stupid three weeks after I write these, because this year, the burdens are big enough for me to hold. I want to know my limit and do the best as I can without having to exhaust myself.

Sooner or later, that “driving away in the dark” moment will come. I never know what the future bring, but one thing I know is that I have to be ready for anything.

There’s no need to stop this moving train.

Happy new year, dear readers.

Happy birthday, Wisnu Aryo Setio.