Something is missing but I don’t know what.
Going back to your daily routine might be a nightmare for certain people, but for me it is somewhat challenging. After living like a hopeless hobo who never bathe for a week or more, tomorrow I will finally go back to my lovely school with that beloved white and grey uniform for my last semester in high school. The moment of truth, they said. Well, I agree. This semester will be the ultimate phase of crossroad in life, in which you still have people around you to support you. After high school, we’ll eventually say goodbye to our parents, lovers, best friends, and almost everyone from your childhood life to meet real people from reality; those who will not hesitate to stab you in the back.
One thing that I noticed, all of my friends are pretty excited to enter this phase of high school. Some of them are already busy with extra lessons outside school, some think that not studying is a sin, and the rest are so occupied with their twitter account, posting their emotional insecurity all the time until they forgot that they have some real things to do. That is us: Generation Y, in the brink of our childhood. We are currently trying our best to secure a better future: a job with a hefty payment in an oil company or a scholarship to world’s best schools. Whatever it is, we are doing things in favor of our own future selves.
So, what about me? Well, as you know, I’ve been through a really amazing time last year, with all the new experiences and emotional roller-coaster. I recounted my life last year and I just realized that I didn’t have much time to stop and just think about nothing; having an empty head, no deadlines, just having fun and goofing around. I finally got that moment of nothingness after I got accepted in my dream university. It was like, all the deadlines that I’ve set for myself just simply vanished. I was free. I am free.
But what if that freedom turns into a mere nothingness? It leaves me with a big hole in my heart, as if my life doesn’t have any meaningful purpose anymore. In the last few weeks, I’ve been in one of the worst state of my life. I was being a sluggish piece of bones and flesh that just lied on bed all day long, doing nothing. As in… Absolutely nothing. I got a loads of good movies to watch, and good books to read, but I prefer to do absolutely nothing. Well, I fool around the internet sometimes, but mostly it’s just for automatic twitter checking; like that behavior of opening your refrigerator door when you know there’s nothing new inside. I stopped living and I was just… being.
I talked about this issue to some of my friends and all of them responded differently. One friend said I deserve a break, but if my mind said that something’s missing, it means that I don’t enjoy it. This doesn’t feel like a break at all. Another best friend said that i was just being undramatic. He said that all my life, I’ve been this one crazy drama king who exaggerates about almost everything. I needed momentum, and special watershed episodes to be alive. When there’s no moment, just me doing nothing, I start to feel like I am not living, while actually, it’s the drama that’s missing, not the essence of life itself.
I agreed to that notion for a several moment, until I got some actual watershed moments back at my birthday. In that morning, my friends came and threw me a surprise birthday bash. As someone who has been dreaming about this since years ago, that should’ve been a life-changing moment for me, right? Maybe the day after that party, I should start doing something great like a diet plan, or finally setting up a first chapter for my upcoming novel. But no, things such as these did not happen at all. At the 5th of January, I didn’t change into the eighteen year version of myself, at all. I went back into the routine of “laying on bed all day long” and just being idle.
To be honest, I hate that. I hate being immobile, having no plans and no goals. If I do that on purpose, to achieve a higher state of mind called zen, I wouldn’t have any problem at all. But I’m not doing this for the sake of my betterment! This is just me, running out of energy and motivation to do things, and maybe being complacent too early. I think I wanted to do nothing because I feel like there’s nothing that should be changed.
That is dangerous, my friend. Complacency is always my biggest enemy. I tend to look down at things, until they bitch-slap me with reality in the end. I don’t want my last semester in high school end up like that.
The point is, I need my passion back. I need my full strength and spirit to do things that I love, wholeheartedly, just like the last two years of my life. I need to refill this hole in my soul with a passionate activity about something.
I just want to live my life to its fullest. If I decided that I want to be idle for a while, I want to enjoy it, not worrying about what’s missing instead. I want to seize every second in my life God has given me.
Speaking about God, I have to tell you that I haven’t prayed since maybe last year. Not even the Friday prayer. I don’t meditate, or I don’t read bible either. Now I feel so far from Him, and I don’t know how to get back to him immediately. I’ve lost all my vessels.
I miss my life. I want it back.
Hopefully, with my uniform on tomorrow morning, I will regain some of my spirit back. I will do my best for this semester, but promise I will not turn into a freaking robot.
I will enjoy it. I will enjoy my life to its fullest.
Hope you’ll enjoy your Monday too, dear readers!
