I skipped school three times this week, and I arrived late in the other two days. Basically, I only attended 8 hours of effective school time, while I should have attended 40 hours. That is crazy. Worst part is, in the days when I was off from school, I did absolutely nothing. I watched an amazing concert, I visited my dream university far away in Singapore, but that was that. Nothing constructive or positive happened. I still can’t solve this never ending enigma of laziness that trapped me in the dark until now. I feel worthless.
Exactly a week from now, I will have my first ever SAT test. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that this is going to determine what my future is going to look like, this scumbag brain of mine always have its ways to convince me that the test is not serious at all.
“Look, Iyo, you’re already accepted at a university, and you still have two more chances in the July or September test to work hard. Why bother to study for the January one? This is only a trial.” That’s what my brain always told me. I’m such a fool for believing in these sweet excuses. The result? I still don’t have any clue on how to do the Math part of SAT, while actually it is as easy as Junior High School math.
I realized that I’m really lazy right now and I hate it. I hate myself for being so lazy. However, I do no effort whatsoever to stop this laziness. I keep on indulging myself in some unimportant guilty pleasures, such as watching more and more TV shows, drowning myself in some good novels, and so much more. These two contrasting things made me really, really confused. I feel bad all the time but I don’t have enough willingness to change.
I have talked the talk, now I need to walk the walk.
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Just now I have just finished watching a really touching episode of MTV reality show called “I Used To Be Fat”. The boy’s name is Joshua, he’s 18, and he has been fat for his entire life, just like me. He realized that his lifestyle was a total mess and he called for help. Luckily, a really funny hunk named Joey was there to help him as his personal trainer. Joey’s words were so motivational, he never put Josh down. The regimens lasted all summer long, for 110 days. This reality show touched me so bad because it just sends the right message deep down to the core of my pain and my insecurity. I know that my eating habit, no matter how scrumptious it is for myself today, is going to be a real threat for my future.
I’ve written this more than once before, yet I never actually lose some pounds. I just talk and talk and talk about my brilliant plans to lose weight but I never actually do it.
I officially hate myself.
I need a fix.
